"See ya girl, thanks, love ya!" she yelled, as she got out of Ann's car.
"No prob! Love ya too!" Ann yelled back, something she was used to saying but never quite meaning it the way that Mandy thought. She watched Mandy go into her house and, after waiting several seconds, she gathered her thoughts and pulled out of her driveway. Her house was only about 5 minutes away from Mandy's but Ann felt like she had all eternity, eternity to dwell in her confusing thoughts. She twisted the key necklace that she and Mandy had bought together at the mall one day. They both agreed that it would be the key to their hearts and that only they could enter each other's. At the time, Ann thought it was cute, but now it was as if it was something that tied her to Mandy.
Ann pulled into her driveway and entered the house, thoughts jumbled and as she began to race into her room for some silence, she heard her mother's voice.
"Hi honey, how was school?"
Ann could barely process her words, "Oh, it was fine. By the way, Mandy invited me to spend the night tomorrow, is that cool? I don't have any other plans." Her mother pondered and finally said the answer Ann always thought of lovely dreading.
"Sure, why not? Make sure to remember your toothbrush this time though." They both laughed and Ann started walking into the hallway, yelling to he mom that she was going to clean. She knew she was ecstatic about going to Mandy's house for a sleepover because she knew that they would have a great time, but she also silently dreaded going because she would have to control her intense urges. She didn't know if she could act normal. The confusion was making her head spin, causing her to feel dizzy. She wanted sleep and so that's what she did, she sought refuge in her bed.
Later that night after dinner when Ann's mind was clearer, her mom and her talked girl talk. Ann enjoyed girl talk with her mother because she could get answers without asking questions. She started talking to her mom about a movie on Lifetime about a gay boy and his struggle through life. Her mother's reaction was unmistakable.
"I don't think that stuff is right, it's all choice. I wish their parents would do something about it." Ann raised her eyebrows, trying to not look as appalled as she really was. Right then, she could feel her heart tearing in two, slowly drawing her inner turmoil to the surface inside of her, causing her to clench her hands into tight fists.
"Well, what do you think about let's say...lesbians? I mean, are they wrong too?" Ann tried not to sound as invested in that question as she really was, hoping that her mother would not realize what Ann was truly saying. Ann could see her mother carefully contemplating the answer. Ann could tell there was a question brewing inside of her mother but she did not ask Ann, she kept it to herself.
"I also think that is somewhat wrong. You don't know what a great feeling it is to have a man care for you, it's great." Her mother hugged herself.
"I could only imagine your reaction if I were lesbian!" Ann couldn't help herself.
"Oh God, no. Not only would you face discrimmination from society and religion but family too." The moment her mother said that, shame and disgrace filled Ann's body and heart. She believed that her mother would be the person who would always love her no matter what but now Ann knew that if she showed her mother who she truly was, their bond would snap. Ann couldn't take anymore and quickly changed the subject however, she noticed that she'd been holding the key necklace the entire time.
That night, she lay in bed with tears quietly showing themselves, streaming down her cheek. Was she willing to give up the bond with her mother for something as simple as preference of gender? Could she live her life suppressing these feelings and lying to herself and others so that she could contine to have a "close" relationship with her mom? What if this was just a phase and she was just confused? Did she want to find out?
The next day, she got ready for the sleepover at Mandy's house. Her heart was surprisingly pounding the entire time and she broke into an excited sweat. She'd slept over at Mandy's house before but that was before she had the feelings she had now towards Mandy. Ann remembered the conversation she had had with her mother that previous night and was glad she had an excuse to get out of the house and not have to face her mother today; it was too awkward for her. Around 3 p.m. she drove to Mandy's house.
She pulled up in front of Mandy's house, taking a deep breath. She walked up to the door, and as her mind was consciously telling her feet to take steps, her hand gripped tighter to her key necklace and she put on her bigeest smile and rang the doorbell.
"Hey! I'm excited for tonight. It's gonna be so fun! I just found out that my ma has to work late and my sis is going to a party! House to ourselves!" Ann's heart skipped a beat and slipped to her stomach. She knew that now that Mandy and her were going to be alone, the feelings would want to surface into actions more than ever.
"Oh my god, that's so cool! Dude, don't tell my ma though, she would flip, you know she doesn't like it when there isn't supervision."
"Babe, I didn't even tell my ma you were coming, like she would care, so it's all good." Ann tried to keep her smile plastered to her face but the corners dropped a little, even more lies.
The afternoon started with the usual gossip. Ann tried to stay away from the topics of boys. She didn't want to pretend to like them, especially in front of Mandy. Later, both girls went to the movies. Ann couldn't remember what they saw because she had such the urge to hold Mandy's hand in the theater. Ann could feel sweat on her forehead and hands. She began to rub the palms of her hands on her jeans, hoping it wasn't obvious. Something about Mandy stood out though; she frequently would look at Ann and when Ann saw her and turned, Mandy would just start to giggle. After the movie, they went to a restaurant and chatted the whole time. Ann tried re-telling herself it wasn't a date but how she wanted it to be. Ann wanted to walk out of that restaurant with her arm around Mandy, smiling and feeling on top of the world. She wouldn't feel embarassed or ashamed, she would feel lucky. Ann could only hear Mandy's voice and see only Mandy's face, those perfect lips talking away and eyes looking directly into Ann's. A couple of times Ann's heart got stuck in her throat and she couldn't talk because she couldn't stop dreaming about her and Mandy together. She had never had these feelings about anyone, boy or girl. She needed to breathe, needed air, needed her lips and Mandy's touching, innocently and purely.
They got back to Mandy's house and turned the radio on immediately. They danced around like idiots, the two of them jumping around in an empty house. The then sat down on the couch and put on a sitcom that Mandy liked and by the end of it, Ann ended up laying on the same couch as Mandy, laying behind her. Mandy turned off the T.V. and they laid there silently until they both broke out laughing for no reason. It was more of a giggle, a nervous giggle, a giggle where something needed to happen.
"Kiss me," Ann dreamed Mandy saying, until Mandy grabbed her hand and Ann realized that she wasn't dreaming. She squeezed Mandy's hand and without hesitation, she placed her free hand gently on her cheek and leaned in, their lips locked. No tongue, no rough teeth bumping, just pure lips and what seemed to be the closest thing to love Ann had ever felt. A tear streamed down Ann's face. The pulled apart, and without any prompting, Mandy confessed the only thing Ann wanted from her.
"I love you."
Ann's heart finally felt calm and controlled. Her key necklace dangled and she saw Mandy's dangle too. Ann looked up at Mandy and with all the passion and love she had replied "I love you too." Nothing that night mattered, not her mom or society or religion, nothing. Mandy lay in Ann's arms and they fell asleep, oblivious to the world and to the next morning. They both fell asleep finally knowing how love felt and never feeling more alive.